I have BIG feelings. Lots of them. And for a long time, I was afraid to share them with the world.
I thought they were best kept to myself, because after all, who would care to listen to the ramblings of a random girl? I would confide in friends, share abstract ideas over a beer or two, and come back home to scribble in my journal (or on Notion), and then leave it there.
A few, very dear friends always encouraged me to put my writing out there. To start a blog, a website, something to share what was going on in my mind with the world. But I always shied away from doing so. I always let self-doubt get the better of me. I wrote a lot, even called myself a closeted writer, but I never published anything.
Then last week, something changed.
If you ask me how I suddenly got over all that self doubt and nervousness about putting my writing in the open… I haven’t. I’m terrified even as I write this. But I decided to stop letting my mind get the better of me.
You see, over the past year, I was diagnosed with something that’s become rampantly common in this fast-paced world — depression. For the last 6 months, I have been undergoing clinical treatment and therapy. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned from it, is that my feelings are valid. All of them. The big, the small, the clear, the unclear, the tangled ones, the unconventional ones, the worrisome ones, the wholesome ones. And they all deserve to be heard.
For so long, I had locked myself away, refusing to ask for help. And when I finally did, when I finally gave a voice to my feelings, it opened up something so raw and visceral inside me. And it helped me feel seen. It helped me feel connected. Not only to others, but even to myself.
And so, now, I decided to write (and more importantly), to publish, in the hope that it can help someone else out there too. Someone who’s trying to cope with overwhelming emotions. Because there are thousands like me out there, struggling to make sense of their big feelings.
A few days ago, I published a piece titled ‘It’s Not Easy, Asking For Help’. Before publishing it, I was going through a small crisis of faith. “Who is really reading this?” I asked myself; “Is this even worth it?”.
I nearly considered not publishing that day, but owing to the accountability I had committed to, I went ahead and wrote the piece anyway.
The response I got to that article was overwhelming.
So many people reached out telling me that they were thankful to me for writing it. That either they themselves, or someone near to them needed to read it. That it helped them in some small way. And that they hoped I would keep writing more.
Since that day, I haven’t felt any doubts whatsoever. In fact, I haven’t wanted to stop writing at all.
I’ve always said that I want my life to mean something, and to touch someone else’s in a nurturing and nourishing way. If by writing like this, I can help even one person feel less alone, I will feel like I am fulfilling that purpose.
And so, I’ve decided now, that’s why I’ll write. And why I won’t stop.
Here’s to more… more words, more sharing, more lessons, more feelings.
Cheers!
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