Two years ago, I was frantically searching the internet for ways to cope with inexplicable feelings of sadness.
Hunting for signs and symptoms that could explain why I was feeling what I was feeling.
Searching for any kind of resources that could help me make sense of my state of mind.
I found several things online, of course.
But now, I find myself searching for information on what it feels like to come out of depression.
And there is nothing.
So here I am, writing about it. For myself.
And for anyone else who needs to see it.
I don’t need to tell you what depression feels like. But depression recovery is a whole other ball-game. Something that you can’t prepare yourself for through research.
It’s not like recovering from an injury - a broken bone or something where you can rest, medicate and heal (Although that’s what most articles and videos will try to tell you).
Overcoming depression is a long and arduous journey. And unfortunately, one that is never likely to end.
When you start coming out of your depression, there’s the feeling of a light inside you.
A growing feeling. Like a wave rising; rising high.
Your breaths feel deeper, longer. Your mind feels less foggy. Your neck and shoulders start to feel relaxed again - finally.
You don’t know when was the last time you felt this way.
The sense of relief is wonderful. But it’s also overwhelming.
And you’re afraid. Very afraid.
Of losing this feeling and of going back into the darkness again.
When you’re depressed, there’s a terrible sadness you can’t shake.
But when you’re coming out of depression, there’s a new feeling of fear unlike anything you’ve ever felt before.
A fear of losing your newfound joy. A fear of falling back into the darkness.
And that is more terrifying than any sadness you’ve felt.
You see, when you’ve gone so long without feeling joy, it becomes hard to recognize when it starts coming back. The people around you are the ones who see it first. They might even tell you that you’re seeming brighter again.
You shake your head, “nah”, because you’re almost to afraid to believe it’s real.
But then you start to see it too. You feel it in your bones, in your gut, in your soul. A lightness you thought you had lost, starting to slowly seep in again. It makes you smile, “I’m getting better,” you think.
And the very next second, you’re afraid again.
It makes me wonder - how can overcoming depression have such a painful emotion associated with it?
I don’t have an answer for it. But I have realised that it’s cyclic. And you’re going to be in that loop for a long time.
Depression, like I said before, isn’t a broken bone that resets and heals to become ‘good as new’. It’s something you have to learn to live with.
Even when you recover, it leaves a small part of itself behind. For you to fight and fend off, for a long, long time to come.
How long that is, I don’t yet know. Perhaps some day I will.
But for now, I’m fighting. And if you’re in the same boat, know that it’s worth fighting.
Because the good days are great.
And the bad days? Well, we’ve seen worse.
Which means we have the strength to overcome them again.
So keep at it. Keep living. Keep finding the light.
You’re rising, and that’s all that matters in this moment.
NOTE: I am not a mental health professional. This is a personal essay, and not an endorsement or advice of any kind.
If you, or someone you know, is experiencing feelings or exhibiting symptoms of depression, please consult an expert to seek the right treatment.
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